That’s it, folks. There’s nothing left to eat. With news this week that salad may be hazardous to your health, it’s clear we all need to stop eating altogether.

Let’s face it, food is a killer.

Americans have been hearing just that for decades, and yet life expectancy continues to rise while cancer rates go down, as do deaths due to heart disease. And yet, the food alarmism continues. In the 1990s, Americans were warned to avoid butter, cheese, and eggs. Then it was tuna, followed by red meat, followed soon by all forms of animal-based protein. Next, it was carbohydrates—the pastas, breads, corn-based foods, and rice. Next, we were told bacon was causing cancer along with luncheon meats. More recently, we’ve heard warnings about wine and soft drinks (even diet drinks), and all food items containing sugar.

Given time, most of these items have returned to favor. Last year, the federal government reversed decades of guidance on cholesterol, which has led to a renaissance for butter, eggs and all forms of fatty foods. After years of telling people to avoid meat, protein-rich diets are now the rage and even carbohydrates are making their return as the food commentariat class again reverses course on grains and other sources of carbs.

Despite all the schizophrenic diet advice consumers hear on a daily basis, one thing has remained consistent: vegetables are good for you. But no more. Now, salad’s a killer. According to a new “study” (produced by researcher who must have looked around and said, “There’s nothing left to demonize! How will I make a name for myself?”), salad is making you feel anxious, depressed, and unable to fall asleep, among other disturbing outcomes. According to the Daily Mail:

“Internist Dr. Svetlana Kogan explained that she sees scores of her patients coming in with very non-specific symptoms—shakes, jitters, sleeplessness. But they may not realize that it could all be coming from something they believed to be healthy.

She told Daily Mail Online: ‘They feel anxious, depressed, they can’t fall asleep. So we look at different environmental factors and often we find that their body has high amounts of copper.”

So, it’s copper. Feeling jittery, having the shakes, having trouble falling asleep. Might this have something to do with, oh, I don’t know . . . the times we live in today? Perhaps people might feel uncertain and nervous and anxious because everything they watch and see is telling them that they are killing themselves and endangering their families? That can be pretty nerve-wracking and anxiety producing.

But, for the sake of argument, let’s run with this copper idea. Sure, it could be copper. Why not. Considering the presidential election, anything’s possible, right? Yet, if it is copper, why does the researcher suggest that the sole source of copper toxicity is from people’s vegetable consumption? Note to the doctor: Copper is present in all sorts of food items.

Just a quick Google search on “foods that contain copper” reveals such common food items as seafood, meat, eggs, nuts, seeds and spices, chocolate, and even some beverages—like coffee and black tea—contain copper. I don’t mean to tell the doctor how to do her job (or how to do a Google search) but perhaps feeling jittery, nervous and sleepless could also stem from drinking too much coffee. Is she unaware that coffee has increased in popularity over the last several decades?

Perhaps what the doctor meant to say is this: keep eating your healthy salads and also keep your diets varied. Practice moderation and eat sensible portion sizes. Get outside and take a walk, and don’t focus too much on food fads.

Most of all, ignore the heavy diet of alarmism being fed to you by headline-hungry researchers.